The Burning Bush

My 12 year old son is at the very beginning of the transition of puberty.  He now wears deodorant and though he won't show it, he says he's starting to get a tiny bit of body hair, which is currently very light.  This is my biological son, who though he didn't quite get my full hair color, he has reddish hair and also has my complexion.

One morning he walked into my husband's and my bedroom and said,


SON: "What color do you think my hair will be when it grows in down there?"


ME: "I have no idea."


HUSBAND: "Probably black like mine."


SON: "Whew! I hope it's black because to have red hair down there would be FREAKY. *turns to me* Uh, no offense, Mama."


ME: *faceplant*

"Mama, What Does Sperm Look Like?"

Last night my 8 year old son got a little curious about sperm. 

SON: "So what does sperm really look like?"


ME: "uh... uh... kind of like a tadpole." *pulls up pic of tadpole on iPhone*

SON: "Yes but do you have a picture of sperm?"



ME: *pulls up drawing of sperm on iPhone*

SON: *eyes wide* "That looks like that hurts!"



ME:  "It's microscopic. You can't even see it without a microscope."



SON: "Well that's a relief, otherwise it would hurt coming out. So you can't even feel it when it's coming out, can you? How do you even know it's coming out?"



ME: *turns to husband* "Uh babe, would you like to take over the conversation from here?"



HUSBAND:  *turns to me* "Nope! You're doing just fine by yourself!" *grins*


ME: *facepalm*

What's Love Got To Do With It?

My husband is one of the most loving and affectionate husbands and fathers out there. However he feels no attachment whatsoever to either of his parents nor toward his only brother.


It's easy to understand not feeling attached to your brother if he beat you up every time your parents weren't looking, and your parents were almost never watching you.  In fact my husband's brother would enlist his friends and their cousins to taunt and beat up my husband as he was a young boy.  At the bus stop, he'd throw rocks at him.  Call him names.  Belittle him.  And this brother wonders why we don't want anything to do with him now.   What about his older brother? Well he's on his 2nd marriage since he's a carbon copy of his father and his first wife wasn't about to put up with being treated like that.  He and his 2nd wife have no kids (so far) and we're desperately hoping they never do, because he will be the same kind of father his dad was, messing up another generation of kids.


So back to my husband having no attachment to his parents. He doesn't even have extreme anger toward them... just indifference, which is kind of weird.  I've spent the last 16 years trying to figure out the family dynamics and how my husband turned out so differently from his family.  How he can be so loving and come from such an unloving family?  How he can love his black children so much, and come from a racist family?  How he can put his family first when his father put their family last?  How he can have such a great sense of humor when anger seems to be the only thing his family is good at?


There was no fun in his family growing up.  No hugging.  No games.  Just chores.  And whippings.  Once my brother-in-law made my FIL so mad that after he got done whipping him with a belt, he went into my husband's room and beat him too.  FOR SOMETHING HIS BROTHER DID.  This was a "Children Should Be Seen And Not Heard" kind of household.  My husband has no memory of what his mother (a stay-at-home mom) was doing while he was growing up.  He says she definitely wasn't cleaning or cooking.  She never even got out of bed to see them off to school.  She clearly was very depressed.  My FIL never really showed love to her.  No gifts to her for their anniversaries, or Valentine's Day. No flowers given to her.  He's the kind of dad who said he loved her on her wedding day, so why should he say it again?


Earlier this year when his parents were visiting, they asked to go out to eat with just my husband and I.  (i.e. no kids)  Somehow my husband started talking about his journey as a father and how he's learned to put them first, not to yell at them, and to enjoy them every chance he gets.  He's such a fun dad.  That's why we homeschool.  Just so we can adjust to his unusual working schedule and maximize his time with the kids.


SIDENOTE: My FIL has always had this thing where he tells us he was such a lousy dad. And then my MIL immediately says, "No honey, you did the best you could."  My FIL isn't really confessing anything.  Because his boys are still alive and so are his grandkids and he doesn't try to do any better with them.  No, he says it because he wants someone to say, "Oh no... you did your best."  By the way, every time my FIL does this, it drives us INSANE.


Back to this dinner.  My husband explaining his journey as a father. His dad interrupted about 6 or 7 times and said, "It's because I was such a bad father, wasn't it? "  My husband quickly said, "Yes" and then went on to what he was saying before he was interrupted.  I was SO PROUD of my husband for this.  Of course since my FIL didn't get the answer he wanted, that's why he kept interrupting, asking the same thing.  Each time my husband quickly said, "Yes" and went back to what he was saying.  I really don't think either of his parents actually listened to what my husband was talking about because they were so shocked that my husband acknowledged what a crappy parent his dad was.


Then his parents felt the need to respond and defend their past sins as parents.  My FIL said, "Well I never hugged you guys or said I loved you because my father never did those things with me.  I didn't know any better because I wasn't shown any better."  Neither my husband or I nodded in acknowledgment.  We just stared at him.  Then my MIL said, "I too never hugged you guys or told you I loved you because my parents never said those things to me.  I just didn't know any better."


HOLD UP.... wait a minute.  His mother didn't tell her boys she loved them when they were growing up? No hugs?  How effed up is that?  Well that's my answer to why my husband is so different.  He never formed an attachment to them.  Which is why he never felt compelled to be like them, follow their beliefs, etc.  And thank GOD he's not a Mama's boy!


But we're so SICK TO DEATH of their stupid excuse that they were crappy parents because they had crappy parents.  How exactly does that explain how my husband has become such an outstanding husband and father?  That's right... it takes away their excuse because they have NO EXCUSE.


I've since talked with my husband about his parents never saying they loved him.  This just blows my mind.  He said he thinks they probably never really felt that way toward them.  Raising kids was all about chores and discipline.


Now that the boys are adults, both his parents regularly say they love him (and me too).  Oh how it makes me squirm to do the expected, "we love you too" responds and I often try to change the subject so I don't have to say it.  I try to position myself so I am not forced to hug them when we say hello and goodbye.  Often I'm not successful and their hugs feel icky.


If you were to meet them, you'd feel they were nice and friendly (perhaps a little dumb-sounding with their deep country accent) but they would be pleasantly nice to you.  But if you were to dig a little under the surface, you'd find a seriously effed up family.


And I couldn't be more happy that my husband feels no attachment whatsoever toward his family.

Beware of the Coal Shovel!

Did I ever tell you about the time my Grandmother fell on a coal shovel and got pregnant?  Well that was her official story, anyway.

Now my Grandmother was mentally ill (through childhood experiences, not genetically) and my Grandfather was Autistic.  My dad was their only child. (together, anyway)

My dad said many men used to come over to the house when he was young and his father was away working on the railroad. He remembers my Grandmother would sit on their laps.  Especially one guy in particular.  Jim McGillicuddy.
My dad remembers him so well because he wished this guy would be his new dad, since his current dad was a little lacking in the social skills department.

Anywho, my Grandmother got pregnant.  So when my Grandfather returned home from working on the Railroad, my Grandmother told him she was pregnant, BUT she did not cheat on him.  NO!  She was out in the yard, fell on a coal shovel, and somehow got pregnant.  And you know what? My Grandfather BELIEVED HER!

Now I've known this story most of my life.  I only now looked up what a coal shovel looked like for this post.  My first reaction to hearing this story was WTF? But now, after seeing a coal shovel, my new first reaction is "OWWWWWWW".  That's GOTTA HURT.  Though did she fall on the handle or the shovel part? I don't think anyone ever asked her.

Sadly, the baby was a stillborn and was malformed, but as my dad always said, "What did you expect? It was half-coal shovel!"

I'm eternally grateful my dad turned to humor instead of say... serial killing, to help him deal with his childhood.

Physical Affection Ends At Age 13

My father-in-law proudly told my oldest son one evening that in 6 months when he turns 13, he will start greeting him with a handshake instead of a hug.  Uh... okaaaaay. #weirdo

As soon as I came over to their house, my son approached me in another room and told me what his Grandfather had said to him.  He then said, "Uh, that's really weird.  Is that how they do things in The South?"  To which I replied, "I have no idea. Yes that is weird."

My eldest son is very physically affectionate. He still loves to cuddle with us.  He makes sure he hugs and kisses every member of the family (including the cats) before he goes to bed.  He loves hugs.  So he sees it as his grandfather will stop being affectionate with him when he becomes a teenager.

At dinner, while the kids were playing outside, my FIL proudly announced to us that he had told my son that.  Like it's some rite of passage that we should all be excited about.  *rolls eyes* I looked at him with a confused look on my face and said, "Is that a Southern thing?" and he said, "Yes!".  And I replied, "Okaaaaaay." My usually oblivious MIL actually could see that both my husband and I thought it was weird.

As we were leaving their house later that evening my son said to his grandfather, "Am I still allowed to hug you goodbye?"  Hahaha I love that kid.

Since that time, my husband and I have brought it up several times in front of the in-laws.  "Hey, make sure you get your hugs in now, because no hugs from Grandpa when you turn 13!"   And while my MIL gets that we think it's weird, my FIL is clueless.  He just proudly says, "Yep!"  And my MIL will follow up quietly (so the FIL won't hear her) "Well, rules were made to be broken."  (Heaven forbid he actually hears her stand up to him!)

When the actual time comes and my FIL greets my son with a handshake instead of a hug, I think my husband should also refuse to hug his dad and instead offer his hand for a handshake.  After all, my husband is over the age of 12 as well.  As a matter of fact, I think I'll offer my hand as well.  Anything to get out of the obligatory hug!

Boundaries? What are those?

Back before my in-laws purchased their vacation home nearby, they used to stay with us when they visited.  That's where I became fond of the saying, "Fish and Family start to stink after 3 days".  

There were times I would run errands while the in-laws stayed home at our house.  That's when I learned that when I was out, my Mother-in-law would get on my computer and read my email.  Now I'm not sure how long she had been doing it, but one day I came home to find her quite upset.  

Sidenote: My husband's brother is a big time jerky jerk. He's pretty much a carbon copy of my Father-in-law.  We loved the brother's wife, but as any self-respecting woman who is being forced to live in a 1940's era marriage, she left him.  After the divorce we kept in close contact with her and she continued to come out and visit us.  

Now back to my MIL and why she was upset when I arrived home.  She had seen (and read) an email from my former sister-in-law to me.  It was a harmless email (i.e. it didn't say anything negative about the in-laws or her ex) but my MIL was pissed that I was still in contact with her.  Of course to confront me, she had to admit that she had been reading my email.  

She didn't seem to think that reading my email was as big of a deal as the fact that I was still in contact with her former daughter-in-law.  

Of course that day I immediately password-protected my computer and we then informed her that if she wanted to use the internet, she had to use the "guest" account on my husband's computer.  (by the way, she never even asked to use my computer prior to using it.)

This is the same woman that even now that they have a vacation house nearby, comes over to my house, sees a pile of mail, and will pick it up and go through it.  Ahhhhhhhhh!

Even though we don't play their games, my husband and I aren't really free to confront/reprimand them.  For one, it's against their culture to reprimand your elders, especially your parents.  And two, with their emotional maturity of high-schoolers, if we were to ever reprimand them... they would sell their vacation house and never visit/talk to us again.  While that is sometimes a tempting option, in the long run we feel it best not to get cut off by the family.  

So my husband and I are forced to just complain to each other about them.  We actually text each other under the table when we're eating with them, or my husband will grab my knee whenever they are saying something ridiculous.  

Thank God my husband is just as annoyed by them as I am, or I'd never make it!  

Grudges and Totem Poles

Sure my in-laws are dysfunctional like many families.  But you know what my real beef is with them?  It's that I just can't forgive them.

We decided to adopt after having 5 miscarriages.  My in-laws were very supportive of this decision because they didn't want us to keep trying to have a baby and put my body through more of that devastation.  That is, until we told them we decided to adopt a biracial baby. 

Sure they were polite on the phone, but within a day or so we got an email from them that told us they were very upset about our decision.  They said they would rather us adopt a 100% any other ethnic group baby than a baby that is any percentage black.  

Yep, they said that.  Then they said it is their experience that anytime black is mixed with someone's blood, the person will end up on the bottom of the totem pole.  W.T.F?!

They worried that we would be making a mistake that we'd have to live with for the next 18 years, and that would end up harming their fully caucasian grandchild (our biological son).  

That's when I realized I married into Archie Bunker's family.  We very politely informed them we weren't asking for permission.  We were just INFORMING them of our plans.  

The irony, of course, is that our multi-racial son actually looks white.  And he's their favorite kid.  So much so that they only pay attention to him.

But that's not the end of the story.  When we decided to adopt again (this time from Africa), we got a concerned call from them.  They were sure we'd either 1. be killed over there and leave our two perfectly good kids orphans, or 2. adopt an HIV+ child which would in turn infect us all.  

I'm happy to say neither of those things happened.  But they still treat our African child like she has HIV.  Or maybe just cooties.  

So you see, with every annoying, dysfunctional thing they do, it makes it just that much harder to tolerate because I just can't forgive them.  

I'm normally a very forgiving person.  I'm not usually bitter.  But I guess when it comes to my kids, I'm a Mama Bear.

By the way, when I told my dad we were adopting a biracial baby, his response was, "I don't care, as long as the baby is not Southern!"  Bwahahaha. Gotta love him.

Twitter

So why is my Twitter account @RedConfessions and not @Red_Hot_Crotch like it was?  Because when @Red_Hot_Crotch starts following people, 9 out of 10 people report it as SPAM.  True Story.  Took me almost 2 weeks to get Twitter to unsuspend me because almost every person I followed reported me as SPAM.  So I changed it to the more friendly @RedConfessions.  Apparently people were offended by my red hot crotch.  

Also, FYI... though most of you know who I am, please refrain from referring to me by name in the comments.  That is in the case any of my in-laws or family members happen upon this blog, they will hopefully not be able to trace it back to me.  That and hopefully the name of the blog will scare them away.

Don't forget to follow my twitter account and this blog.  I will follow everyone back!  And please, don't be afraid of my red hot crotch.  It's never hurt anyone. *wink*

And You Thought Crocs Were Ugly

Perhaps it's just that my father-in-law annoys me to death and perhaps I'm being catty, but these are his favorite shoes.  They drive me INSANE.  I think they are so ugly.  He thinks they're awesome.  He can hose them off if they get dirty and they protect his toes from getting stubbed.  He likes them so much he bought a pair for his wife, though I've never seen her wear them.  He even offered to get my husband and I a pair.  We politely refused. Whoever called Crocs the ugliest shoes has never seen these.

You should see them when he's wearing his coveralls.  Yep, that's right.  Did I mention he considers coveralls to be perfectly acceptable attire when going out to dinner with us?  He has coveralls in every color.  I once peeked in his closet and found over 20 pairs of coveralls.  No he is not a car mechanic.  He just likes to wear them.

One of these days I'll get a ninja pic of him wearing these shoes with his coveralls.

Quit Correcting My Kids In Front Of Me!

My in-laws arrived in town just in time for my younger son's birthday.  Since my husband was working, I invited them to hang out with us.  We went out to eat for lunch at my son's favorite place.  My two boys were sitting next to each other and having a good time.  I don't allow my kids to be unruly.  They weren't being disruptive to the restaurant, but they were having fun and enjoying each other.  I was talking to my Mother-in-Law when I noticed my FIL get up, physically move my one son's chair over, while he put his chair between them.

That pissed me off because my FIL always steps in to reprimand/parent my kids when my husband's not around.  And he corrects them on stuff I wouldn't correct them for.

Later the FIL told my husband & I that when he told my older son to switch chairs with him, my son said, "You can't make me."  That's why he got up and physically moved him.  When we heard that, we were shocked. Our son does not normally say such disrespectful things.  We made him apologize.

At home I asked my son why he said that.  He said, "I said it because I was mad that he was trying to parent us in front of you.  You're the one in charge of us, not him."  Ahhhh... that makes sense.  While he wasn't right to respond that way, he did have a right to be angry.  And I was angry too.  I'm sick of my FIL stepping in to parent my kids in front of me, when he doesn't do it in front of my husband.

Fast forward to this weekend.  We were at the in-laws' house, eating dinner with them.  The kids were playing outside.  My husband brought up the situation so we could inform my FIL why our son reacted that way.  As soon as we said our son was angry, the FIL shrugged and said if it happened again, he would correct them again.  He wouldn't change a thing about what he did.  He said while they weren't disrupting the restaurant, they were still acting like hooligans (really?) and he wasn't able to hear what I was saying my MIL.  HE HAS HEARING AIDS!  OF COURSE HE COULDN'T HEAR!

So I said, "Well, how our son reacted is consistent with how we raised them.  We've taught our kids that WE are in charge, unless we leave the kids in the care of someone else."  (hoping he would understand we don't want him stepping in to parent the kids in my presence)  My FIL said, "Well, they were acting in a way I would've never allowed my boys to act!"  (uh... #1 you are NOT their father, and #2 neither of your boys like you as adults as a result of your parenting)

He said, "I'm not trying to tell you how to parent your kids."  Uh... yes you are.

When I reiterated that the kids do not want other people trying to parent them when one of their parents is present my FIL got all dramatic.  "Fine, it will not happen again.  In fact, the next time they act that way I'll just leave the restaurant."  *rolls eyes*

I tried to smooth things over and said, "Well, we don't want you to leave." My FIL kept insisting he would walk out next time, and I kept telling him we don't want him to do that. (my husband starts kicking me under the table... apparently my husband is in full support of his father leaving like an idiot when things don't go his way)  Of course if he walks out of the restaurant, then I'm the one stuck with the bill.

Then my FIL continues the dramatics and says, "If we're getting in the way of parenting your kids, we'll just stop coming out to visit.  It's as simple as that."  Seriously, can he be more dramatic?

My husband stepped in to tell him/them that all we really want is for them to enjoy our kids.  But they can't.  They are still operating under the "children should be seen and not heard" rule.  They have rules for the kids at their place that include, "No singing in the house, no humming in the house, no playing together on the floor."  Seriously.

Our kids are actually pretty fantastic kids and anyone who knows them will agree that they are sweet, responsible and well-behaved.  But they're not robots.  The in-laws just don't know how lucky they are to have our kids as their grandkids.  And they probably never will.  They don't deserve to have my kids as their grandkids.  And sadly, my kids deserve to have Grandparents that cherish them, love them and enjoy them.

The only thing that has changed is that my kids now no longer see their grandparents with rose-colored glasses.  They see their grandparents as they really are and they no longer beg to go over to visit them.  Their relationship with my kids is changing, and they have no one to blame but themselves.

In-Law Story of the Day

We had lunch this weekend with the in-laws. They were lamenting the fact that the house they bought near us has lost value in the past couple of years.  So they told us they decided that they SHOULD HAVE had us sell our house, and pool together their money and ours to buy a big house that would've fit us all.

I like how they think they could've just told us to sell our house and think we would've done it. (which we wouldn't have)

There's not enough anti-depressants and tranquilizers on the planet that would make me able to live with my in-laws.

MIL Story of the Day

Just found out my brother-in-law and his wife are going to New York for vacation.  My mother-in-law is apparently a nervous wreck.  Why? She's worried about their safety because of the "Occupy Wall Street" situation.  For serious.

And being the good daughter-in-law that the brother's wife is, she is going to appease their fears by emailing them their itinerary and calling the in-laws daily to assure them of their safety.  She's clearly winning the "favorite" daughter-in-law contest.  Not that I can win that contest anyway.  She's Southern, I'm not. And I forced my husband to adopt black children.  Did I mention I also have tattoos?

In contrast, when I told my husband about his parents' freak out about his brother's trip, he suggested we tell his parents we're moving to Sierra Leone because we hear they are rebuilding... and then wait for their response. *insert mischievous grin*

Confessions of a Redhead

My in-laws are in town for four weeks. They only got here two days ago and I'm already dying for an anonymous outlet where I can talk freely about them, about my family, about anything I want to without worrying about what they will think.

My in-laws read my regular blog. So do my family members.  Heck, even my neighbors managed to find it. Long gone are the days where I can say what I want without them finding out.

Enter: The creation of this blog.  If I want an anonymous place to tell stories, you must have stories to tell too.  Email them to me and I'll post them here.